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The Sports Utility Vehicle: America’s Infant-Chomping Menace
In recent years, American consumers have been buying more and more SUV’s. Their small suburban homes are dwarfed by these monstrosities. Why are they so crazy about them? Is it because of the advertisements displaying these automobiles perched on cliffs, fighting rapids, and conquering AIDS? Is it because of the large quantities of gasoline required to operate such a creature? Perhaps citizens finally recognize their responsibility to deplete natural resources, and are willing to pay the price (just under three dollars per gallon). Or, one can deduce, it is because of the growing population problem. Everyone knows that SUV’s eat babies and that this is the reason behind their domination of the transportation market. To eat babies. To control the world population. It’s also good that they can conquer HIV. But that will be explored further once all the babies are gone.
Many supposed environmentalists despise the sports utility vehicle. They look beyond the beautifully filmed commercials to the facts: most people with SUV’s don’t use them to go off-roading. Most of them do not in fact, live in the country. They commute a long five minutes work in their SUV. Or they leave it in the driveway and wash it every Saturday morning. Most Americans are not carpenters or lumberjacks, who use SUV’s to lug large portions of forests from point A to point B. The environmentalists usually cite emissions or natural gas depletions as cause for their abundant hatred for this growing species. Really, they are just jealous because they cannot afford SUV’s. They spend too much money on organic granola and, anyway, their parents won’t buy them such expensive toys for their birthdays.
It is an interesting conundrum, that of the very-pregnant woman driving a sports utility vehicle. Although her husband pointed out that its sheer size was protection enough, the woman isn’t so sure. She feels that although American excess has kept her safe for many years, she wonders if that DVD player really DOES double as a baby-safety console. She’s heard rumors while in neighborhoods composed of mostly small cars and small car-people. The rumors disquiet her. One woman was murmuring to a friend about the increasing infant mortality rate, “That SUV flipped right over and gobbled the poor thing. Of course, it only makes the gas mileage worse.” The woman is hesitant but reassured by television’s constant advertising of the vehicle. Nothing that has AIDS-fighting lasers can be too harmful to her unborn child. HER baby is safe. Besides, in a few months she’ll only use the thing to ship her kid to daycare.
It has been theorized by many that the reason such a large amount of people love to drive SUV’s is the America’s obsession with heights. It is also nice to be able to watch other drivers on the road from above. You can see exactly what they bought at McDonalds; you can look down their blouse. It is a pretty great deal, to be so elevated from the road. Many average SUV owners don’t realize that the height is essential for the baby-sensing devices, which operate best at high elevations. This is probably why Ford is working on a new SUV which is higher than most semi-trucks. It will eventually create a problem in many toll booths and drive-thrus, but America’s roadside services are changing.
Few people can remember a time before SUV’s. And if they do, they probably will say that it was when they were walking uphill to school and back, in all manners of weather at once. SUV’s, in part because of their size and also for their ability to go where other vehicles cannot, have monopolized much of American thought for long enough that most memories of mid-size, fuel-efficient cars have been all but obliterated. The roomy interior with its high-tech entertainment and climate-control equipment is mesmerizing. Many consumers have been so enthralled with the insides of their vehicles that they have forgotten to watch the road and ended up off it! Upside down! Although this may be harmful to the passengers (studies are being conducted), it is inevitable. SUV’s get hungry too. No one has sued any of the Big Three regarding such circumstances. Mostly because they are dead and a little bit because really, it would take an exceptional pioneer of a lawyer, probably an environmentalist, to argue against the quality interiors companies design for their vehicles.
The country is split over this matter. It’s a heated debate in any sort of venue, with men, women and children getting as blustery over the subject as they do when someone mentions the war in Iraq. So what is to be done about the issue? People enjoy their SUV’s. Most of them come with surround sound, and some have cable television! True, gas is expensive, but it’s up to the American people to get rid of it for good! And as for the environmentalists, if they can’t afford their very own off-roader, they can buy one on credit, another great American invention. It’s time to place sports utility vehicles in the world’s garage, as well as its heart. If this is accomplished, not only will we soon be rid of AIDS, but of babies as well, and who doesn’t want that? |
